Blind

A lot of people seem to be under the impression that since I'm so enthusiastic about Muay Thai, it must come easily to me.

Ahahahahahahahahahaha! Ahem.

Um, no.

Trust me people, this is the most mentally and physically challenging thing that I have ever done.

Yesterday it was all I could do not to cry as I watched myself shadowboxing in the mirror. Not because I was physically exhausted, but because I was fighting so hard against my own brain. I was supposed to be checking my form and making adjustments, but I couldn't see past my shaking legs and the sweat-soaked t-shirt clinging to my torso. Normally I'd take those things as signs of hard work, but yesterday they seemed to scream "WEAK! PATHETIC! UNWORTHY!" with every strike. I looked at the mat for as long as I could before Chief reminded me again that the answers aren't there.

As much as I hate to admit it, re-injuring my knee did at least as much damage to my psyche as it did to my lateral ligaments. It was a horrible, brutal reminder that my body is nowhere near as strong as I imagine it to be. I'm 30, I'm roughly 100lbs overweight, and although I've been active I haven't been athletic in 15 years or so. What the hell am I doing, training to compete in 18 months? What was I thinking, joining a private kickboxing gym?

You can probably guess how things spiraled downward after that.

I've dutifully continued to show up and work my ass off because I'm stubborn as all hell and because I refuse to continue to be my own worst enemy, but it's been difficult. Frustrating, and difficult.

My super-awesome chiropractor / physical therapist cleared me to jump and kick again as of Saturday, but I kept to my (comparatively) safe modifications.

Because I let my fear win.

I was afraid of hurting myself again, afraid that I wouldn't be able to execute the strikes, afraid of looking foolish (my roundhouses look a lot more like this than like this at the moment), afraid of proving that I can't do this, afraid of proving that I can. And the worst part is that I didn't even REALIZE it until  today when I found myself half-assing my way through the "Chopping Down The Tree" exercise. And that made me really angry. I am so goddamned tired of this cyclical battle with myself.

I wish I could say that I suddenly started roundhousing like a pro, or that I landed a series of flawless knee strikes that made my bag partner gasp in admiration, but what actually happened is a lot less spectacular. I hissed and panted my way through the rest of the class with a lot of determination and not quite as much balance. My legs burned, my arms shook, and sweat dripped off every part of my body. I can't say that what happened was pretty, but it was at least resolute.

I sprawled on the mat for awhile after class, not really looking at much of anything, trying to take some measure of pride in the fact that I'd at least given it my all. I wasn't having much success, honestly, when Chief came over to talk to me.

Chief: You're moving better.
Me: What?
Chief: I said - you're moving better. Especially today. You've been working hard and it's starting to pay off. You're getting more comfortable, your body is adapting, and the movements are becoming more natural.
Me: Oh, thanks.
Chief: I know you can't see it, but I can. Good job Amanda. Keep it up.

So apparently I am making progress, but I've been so wrapped up in my own drama that I've been completely blind to it. All that frustration, and anger, and mental anguish... what a waste of fucking time and energy.

Just one more reminder to look up, look out.

Comments

[Chana]

Mental breakthroughs are at least as important as physical ones. Keep up the good work. (I think I got a few bruises just looking at the link for Chopping Down the Tree. I do not think I'll be following you into this endeavor.)

[Tag]

I love this post as it captures so much of what this is all about.

Keep up the great work! I had no idea you were working up for a competition, that's awesome! Part of me so wants to do that again (I miss the contact, the feeling of giving everything you have or face a KO)but it is probably not the best idea. Still, I think I'll stop by sometime and check y'all out. :-)

peace

[Teece]

Wow. I love this post so much. Not only is it well-written, but it touches on that fear I have of not doing it well. When I try to do the moves, I feel that I am the only one who is not capable. It's a scary and overwhelming feeling that stops me... well, stops anyone who gives in to it.

I'm very excited to see that you are not giving in. It motivates me, and once again reminds me why I think that you are a really awesome and special person. Go you!